My Blog

   Are women equal to men today? If this question were to be asked of any of my friends they would undoubtedly say: Yes! Women (at least in the Western cultures), are finally equal to men in their freedom to choose, to attend the schools they want, to participate in sports, to vote and to pursue many more forms of independent living. And yet, if we look carefully, we can see how our gender is still considered secondary to  that of men.

    Jean Baker Miller, a famous psychiatrist, and Riane Eisler, author of "The Chalice and The Blade, tells us that "in society as presently constituted, only women are geared to be carriers of the basic necessity for human communion, and to in fact, value their affiliations with others more highly than even themselves. In contrast to men, who are generally socialized to pursue their own ends, even at the expense of others, women are socialized to see themselves primarily as responsible for the welfare of others, even at the expense of their own well-being."  These traits is what does us in, so to speak, because even though we will all attest that what we do, i.e. weaving the structure of society's foundations through the creation and the maintaining of strong families, communities and healthy relationships, it is still not regarded as important as what men do, i.e. pursue careers and making money.

    To understand why this is, we must learn of how the ruling and governing of society shifted millennia ago from the point of view of partnership to that of dominator (we must thank the invasions of the Kurgans and Dorian tribes followed by the Greek/Roman empires). Western civilization history as we learn it in school focuses largely on winners and losers, conflicts and peace, but it is always based on one class dominating another, not how the relation between the two genders interact and work with each other. And to borrow again from Eisler, "the way a society structures the most fundamental of human relations profoundly affects all aspects of living and thinking." For instance in Crete, prior to the barbaric ascendence, power was primarily equated with the responsibility of motherhood rather than with the exaction of obedience to a male-dominant elite through force or the fear of force. This is the definition of power where women and traits associated with women are not systematically devalued.

    To change the paragdime and embrace a system-a thinking and decision-making system, that is-based on the two halves working together (Gylanic) as opposed to Androcentric, i.e. "men's centered," a process of remolding and replication has to occur. Just as we forgot that at some point in history peoples, lands and societies were governed peacefully together, we must remember that we have been conditioned to think in a certain way, i.e. dominator vs. subjugator, conquest vs. loss, etc... and that we must strive to re-establish a society based on the relation between the two halves in synchrony with Nature and in the full respect of other species.

PS All the material and social technologies fundamental to civilization were developed before the imposition of a dominator society and the principle of food growing, as well as construction, container and clothing technology were all already known by the Goddess-worshipping peoples of the Neolithic. Pottery was also invented by women and the cultivation of the soil is to this day primarily in the hands of women. (The Chalice and The Blade, pp. 66-69)

Comment (1)

"The Industrial Revolution, in its need for office and factory workers, pulled fathers away from their sons and, moreover, placed the sons in compulsory schools where the teachers are mostly women." By, Robert Bly author of Iron John

Literally speaking, Patriarchy means ‘the dominion of males over females.' Historically speaking, it supposedly originated with the beginning of slavery and the industrial revolution, which in both cases gave the OK to society to appropriate resources and people for the goodness of a few.

Today Patriarchy is obviously still existing-we all know about men running most companies (not all, of course), being the last ones to say Yes or No at home, being old and gray and yet labeled sophisticated (where an old woman becomes a grandma) and the list continues. Women need to understand when they are not taking responsibility for their actions and do whatever they can to make things right when they operate within limited realms, i.e. Patriarchal, to reach equality in pay, social welfare, personal and racial discrimination etc... And I am sure we all agree on this.

But the real question is: what about the men? What about the way they have been ‘bottled up' in a society, particularly in America, where from the 50's and 60's they have been expected to produce, provide, lead, not cry, become soft and understanding once their day job was over? What about the fact that they grew up with parents who lived through the Depression and hardened to the point where for a man to cry was considered a sin?

For a woman it's acceptable to look within and work on herself. It has been necessary, I may add, for a woman to do so because otherwise the immense fragmentation of having to be a worker bee AND a mother and a wife and a friend etc...would have destroyed us. Thus women are healing and growing and becoming stronger. They have the feminine side well rounded and now that they work outside the house, the masculine too.

But what about the men? Who is going to give them the break from the treadmill of competition and over-production? How and where do they have the time to be alone to grow inside, to be with the children as a real presence for them, to rest and to have healthy relationships with their spouses?

Instead of speaking of Patriarchy, we should call it ‘unjust domination.' Domination by all of species for the greed of few, i.e. corporations doling out outrageous amounts of money to top executives while laying off the lay men; domination of animals, i.e. eating more meat than necessary and reaping off the extra resources for the third world country; domination of plants, i.e. by destroying forests for the greed of developers.
I think that this kind of domination is what creates the unbalance.

Men are left behind and labeled patriarchal, generally speaking because they have had no chance to catch up with women and do the internal work we have done to become ‘less egotistical and softer'.  Thus they are like flying trapeze that can never reach the ground safely. They have to keep going and stay strong, lest they fall behind and lose their spot.
If somehow society were to have the same expectations on women as it has on men, I am sure that they too would develop their feminine side, i.e. intuition and nurturing, and act more justly toward the other gender.

P. S. Let's not forget that in our society work is taken very seriously. Any man who doesn't ‘work' feels wronged and like a fish out of water, thus the chances to develop the self and yet maintain a certain status are even more few and rare.

Comment (1)

Women and the need to drink

The other day my friend complained that her mom drinks too much. “She is not allowed in this house unless she stops. My kids cannot see this!” she shouted. I felt for her. After all, having grown up myself with a mother who started her day with a shot of grappa in her espresso and ended it with Jack Daniels as a digestive drink, I knew all too well the meaning of it; slurred words, vacuous stare, horrid breath and the demoralizing feeling that “us” around her couldn’t help her.

“Sorry,” I said to my friend. “I understand. But please be careful when you speak to her. She is drinking because she is in pain. If you are too harsh she will drink even more.” I replied. 

More and more women—friends, neighbors, people I know—I realized, especially in the “older” age bracket, begin drinking when the clock says it’s ok to do so, i.e. 5:00 PM.   Why is that?
I think it’s because the older we get the more useless and invisible we feel. The kids are gone, we have had one or multiple careers (depending on how many jobs we have had to begin and then interrupt to take care of the babes and the husbands), our partners are gone all day on their never-fragmented-never-in-question jobs (I am NOT dismissing the hard work of our mates and this is a generalization, of course), thus we find ourselves wondering WHO we have become and HOW we are going to spend the next thirty years in a meaningful (to us and others) way.  It is at this juncture that the drink comes in. The pull to drink (and I mean, drinking every day and more than just one drink each time) comes from the feeling that, unless we are paid and validated in the way our culture does, i.e. to produce something valuable and to earn tangible rewards, then we don’t count. The alcohol numbs the pain of this realization and the fear of moving ahead in uncharted and unknown territory. Which way do we go? Do we believe what we are being told or do we revisit who we have become during the last thirty years and use it to recreate a new-found persona that will keep us fulfilled thereafter? You know the answer. But this proposition is very hard and requires a lot of courage because no one has yet created a historically sound, paved path of how a woman over fifty can regain grounds in a fast-paced, heavily industrialized and Patriarchal society. Will we have to sell out our dreams, once again, to keep up with the rest, or can we find a way to emerge while keeping our integrity and our vision alive?

My mother could not do either. As a heavy drinker she was touted as an unfit mother; as a worker, she was unfit because she left me in the care of others. She had no open doors and no one to help her, thus she drank from 8:00 in the morning until 9:00 at night, when she collapsed in bed in the hope of never waking up. Eventually, the drink killed her and she got her wish.

PS In my next BI-WEEKLY articles I will be exploring what it implies to go deeper within and find new means (and meanings) of moving forward, the significance of living in a Patriarchal society (down to the daily, nitty-gritty examples), the roots of the problem and suggestions for solutions that we can adopt starting immediately. If you are interested in these topics, PLEASE BOOKMARK my site, www.paintedred.info, and come back in two weeks. Thank you for your patronage.

Comment (2)