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Tag >> motherhood


   Are women equal to men today? If this question were to be asked of any of my friends they would undoubtedly say: Yes! Women (at least in the Western cultures), are finally equal to men in their freedom to choose, to attend the schools they want, to participate in sports, to vote and to pursue many more forms of independent living. And yet, if we look carefully, we can see how our gender is still considered secondary to  that of men.

    Jean Baker Miller, a famous psychiatrist, and Riane Eisler, author of "The Chalice and The Blade, tells us that "in society as presently constituted, only women are geared to be carriers of the basic necessity for human communion, and to in fact, value their affiliations with others more highly than even themselves. In contrast to men, who are generally socialized to pursue their own ends, even at the expense of others, women are socialized to see themselves primarily as responsible for the welfare of others, even at the expense of their own well-being."  These traits is what does us in, so to speak, because even though we will all attest that what we do, i.e. weaving the structure of society's foundations through the creation and the maintaining of strong families, communities and healthy relationships, it is still not regarded as important as what men do, i.e. pursue careers and making money.

    To understand why this is, we must learn of how the ruling and governing of society shifted millennia ago from the point of view of partnership to that of dominator (we must thank the invasions of the Kurgans and Dorian tribes followed by the Greek/Roman empires). Western civilization history as we learn it in school focuses largely on winners and losers, conflicts and peace, but it is always based on one class dominating another, not how the relation between the two genders interact and work with each other. And to borrow again from Eisler, "the way a society structures the most fundamental of human relations profoundly affects all aspects of living and thinking." For instance in Crete, prior to the barbaric ascendence, power was primarily equated with the responsibility of motherhood rather than with the exaction of obedience to a male-dominant elite through force or the fear of force. This is the definition of power where women and traits associated with women are not systematically devalued.

    To change the paragdime and embrace a system-a thinking and decision-making system, that is-based on the two halves working together (Gylanic) as opposed to Androcentric, i.e. "men's centered," a process of remolding and replication has to occur. Just as we forgot that at some point in history peoples, lands and societies were governed peacefully together, we must remember that we have been conditioned to think in a certain way, i.e. dominator vs. subjugator, conquest vs. loss, etc... and that we must strive to re-establish a society based on the relation between the two halves in synchrony with Nature and in the full respect of other species.

PS All the material and social technologies fundamental to civilization were developed before the imposition of a dominator society and the principle of food growing, as well as construction, container and clothing technology were all already known by the Goddess-worshipping peoples of the Neolithic. Pottery was also invented by women and the cultivation of the soil is to this day primarily in the hands of women. (The Chalice and The Blade, pp. 66-69)

Women, Patriarchy, careerMy attention was caught by an article that appeared on the current issue of MS magazine; in it, the author, Carmen D. Siering, describes Bella, the protagonist of the much acclaimed movie Twilight, as “a blank slate, with few thoughts or actions that don’t center on Edward.” She continues by saying that, where Bella is “infantilized,” Edward is “condescending” and the only one allowed to “initiate intimacy.”

I pondered. Wait a minute!  Why did I like the movie if such were the premises? Is it possible that I, too, am a victim of our patriarchal society’s canons subscribing to the widespread notion that women can’t be happy unless they have a man who worships and loves them? The mere fact that the book sold 22 million copies and many more saw the movie seems to corroborate these assertions.


For my part, I watched the movie with detached interest at first, a glimpse of excitement in the middle and a longing for “it” to continue by the end. For two days I fantasized about it and even convinced my daughter to buy the movie once it came out in DVD. And yet, throughout it all, I sensed a weakening of the person I have become, as if, through the two hours of watching it, I had regressed into the young woman I was, when being liked and nurtured by a man was intrinsic to achieve happiness and fulfillment.

How did we so easily buy into a story that is so clearly devoid of redeeming values? What happened to the teachings of the strong women that were our grandmothers and the ones who fought for our ability to stand up and claim our strength?

According to Adrienne Rich, author of “Of Woman Born,” patriarchy, which literally means “the power of the fathers,” became prevalent in our culture after the advent of industrialization in the early 1900’s. Women, from working their farms, sewing textiles and tending to the animals, joined the men in the factories and showed resilience to hard work and pain in a far greater measure than their counterparts (and took care of the households as well afterward). Men, threatened by such powerful presence, made sure that the women retreated into the house to become full time mothers and homemakers, (which also coincided with the need for comfort and centeredness that emerged after the Vietnam War).

It was during this time (50’s and 60’s) that Disney released Cinderella and later Sleeping Beauty, movies that sent a clear and loud message to young women all over the world, that of needing a man (preferably one riding a white horse) to rescue them. I grew up during those years.

According to Rich, it is Patriarchy that is responsible for the woman’s loss of her individualization and the birth of “the Mother, the dangerous archetype, source of angelic love and forgiveness in a world increasingly ruthless and impersonal.”(29)***

Patriarchy is a subtle and a hard to discern phenomenon. In the words of Rich, “It does not…imply that no woman has power…but that the power of the fathers…permeates everything, even the language in which we try to describe it…(she) has access only to so much of privilege and influence as the patriarchy is willing to accede to her…” (33-34).”

Patriarchy is far from dead. The fact that so many people fell in love with Edward (I am one of them, remember?) and what he represents, means that we have not yet acknowledged, reclaimed, and put into practice our ability to function without the dream and the illusion of a man sweeping us off our feet with his white horse or, better yet, his blood-dripping teeth.
 
***See more on Motherhood in my blog dated 4/2 or on my upcoming ones
 


 

Does full-time motherhood allow for fulfillment and a sense of accomplishment in today’s culture? Does working full time give parents a sense of balance in raising their children and handling the demands of a career? The answer is NO to both.

Betty Friedan, author of “The Feminine Mystique” wrote that, after nearly two decades of women abandoning their careers to have kids and stay home, these women were more depressed, isolated and frustrated than ever, even if they have first gone to college. “Like a two-headed schizophrenic…once she wrote a paper on Graveyard poets; now she writes notes to the milkman…”  The Feminine Mystique was written nearly fifty years ago but could have been written today. While more women ARE going to college and finishing their education, many accept the role of mother and wife, thereby forgoing the chance to shape and express their own identities in society.

I am one of ‘them.’ Raised mostly by a foster family and people other than my own parents, I quit my highly stressful job when I had my daughter. After countless hours of pushing her on the swing and rushing to the park in between naps, I witnessed the annihilation of my mental abilities. The biggest challenge became whether to cook chicken scaloppini or pasta for dinner. For years I felt as if I were suspended on a thread that depended on the passing of time; one day melded into another and my days were interminable.  When I tried to return to work it proved disastrous, caught as I was between the guilt and the anxiety of leaving my child behind and the demands of my job. The result was that I couldn’t perform either one to my satisfaction and eventually quit trying to do both.

Friedan asserts that the unhappiness of women (and at times men) while raising a child full time is the result of the fragmented, unrecognized, and undervalued existence that women conduct. I can’t agree with her more.  While it is very rewarding to be with our children, it can also wipe our sense of identity and direction.

Friedan continues her study by stating that, “with the career woman out of the way, the housewife with interests in the community becomes the devil to be exorcised…there is the discontent suburban wife who raises hell at the PTA; morbidly depressed, she …envies her husband…” I have seen with my own eyes the multitude of talented women vying for a spot in the various groups where we could express our skills and abilities. The question is: is the lack of pursuits in a woman’s life a consequence of the denial suffered by society or is motherhood a determining factor in the obliteration of other areas of interest?

Of course, one has to take into account the social class of the individual(s) in question. As a white, middle to upper class woman who has had the choice—albeit not always—to pick between homemaking and full time work, I suffered the conflict of wanting to be home with my child and yet longing to express my creativity in full. Over the years I quickly morphed into what Dr. Polly Eisendrath-Young defines as the ‘hothouse mother’ (from Women and Desire, an account of women desires and pathologies in the context of a patriarchal culture) which states that: “when a mother is “perceived simply as a resource for others’ needs rather than as a person in her own right, she becomes the Hothouse Mother”. In her estimation, the ‘hothouse’ concept is simply the result of society’s inability to respond to the needs of the parent of a young child, especially mothers. In their desire to become ‘ideal mothers’ women cut themselves from society and the ability to function amongst adults in the workplace. They become depressed, isolated and neurotic, which in turn plays against the image of what they are trying to achieve.

Friedan suggests that the solution for a society who doesn’t want to deal with women’s dissatisfaction is ‘the disappearance of the heroine altogether’ (the mythical figure from the past), which provides the answer to one of today’s dilemma also. Many women are talked into compromising their goals in the name of raising families and adjusting to the community. When a woman is seen only in terms of her sexual role, says Friedan, the barriers to the realization of her full potential—career, education and political interests—are no longer a problem. What remains is ‘the problem that has no name’ a vague wish for something more to which magazines reply by suggesting the adoption of a different outfit.

The central question remains: why is our society not capable of providing full time parents with a sense of their worth as they educate and form the individuals of tomorrow? Could it be that our capitalistic culture acknowledges and only rewards those who produce in a materialistic sense?

This is something we must strive to change. Unless we understand that caring for one another and contributing to each other’s wellbeing and education is the only guarantee for a prosperous future, we will suffer losses and produce less-than-whole members of society.

The topics around motherhood in industrialized societies, the fragmentation phenomenon and the consequences it carries, the isolation aspect—endemic of an industrialized culture—and the issue of re-entering the work force once the kids leave home are many and I will be addressing them in the blogs to come.

Thank you for your interest and your support,

Lauretta

 

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