The other day I came across my neighbor at a coffee shop.  I hadn't seen her in a while and I noticed how different she looked. Her eyes were no longer swollen, and for once she had no dark bags under them.

"How are you?" I asked her.

"I am much better, thank you," she replied, while adjusting the baby carrier in which her nine months old son snuggled against her body. He looked like an infant koala, holding onto her sides with his tiny hands and his spooning feet. He was also quite a few pounds heavier than the last time I had seen him, unlike her who looked skinnier.

"What do you mean: much better? What happened before?" I asked her, even though I already knew the answer.

"Well, it was very hard at first. I cried and felt lonely. Why other women don't tell you how difficult it is?" she confided.

"I totally get it," I said. "I bawled for two years, nearly, but it will surely change when he goes to preschool, you'll see.

 

            I walked home thinking about the encounter. I recalled when my girl was an infant and how desperate I felt; the days seemed interminable, the loneliness a voracious throat with teeth from which escape wasn't an option. When I was offered to join a mother support group I jumped from the excitement of reconnecting with adulthood. Finally! I told myself, other women will know what I mean and we'll help each other!  But it didn't turn out that way as the discussions revolved more around baby diapers and meals scheduling than how our lives have been turned upside down. These encounters left me empty handed and I felt as if I had landed on a planet full of aliens.

 

            One has to wonder why women don't reach out more fully and in sharing truths that are so similar. We all go through the same processes and it would benefit us tremendously if we could confide in one another; we would stop doubting ourselves and not feel so alone, and communities would spring up organically.  It took me years to identify the ones who later became my best friends; in the meantime I could have easily drown in my depression and the neurosis that arise naturally from spending so much time alone.

 

Is this phenomenon cultural? Is it economical? Dr. Rosemary Ruether suggests, in her book Gaia and God, that the way goods are produced has a lot to do with the splitting of communities and the separation between people. As the means of productions are concentrated in geographical areas away from home, people are forced to physically leave their own turfs and their extended families. Furthermore, they are taught to portray a side that doesn't reflect what they experience at any given moment, which robs them (us) of the chance to form meaningful relationships and feel less isolated in a world where it's harder to find the help we need, especially as parents raising kids.

 

            When crying over not knowing what had happened to me and how I was going to survive those days of extreme isolation, I called my aunt in Italy. Her reply was: "Remember, it is impossible for a human being to be with an infant twenty four hours a day and stay happy and sane all the time. In the old days there were cousins, mothers, grandparents and a whole tribe raising the child with you. Now we are alone and need to reach out for help, even if it means that of people you don't know like babysitters." Her words soothed me, and reminded me of the importance to be authentic, even if it means revealing to perfect strangers that NOT all is perfect all the time.  Who knows?  May be that person is meant to become our best friend, but we will never know unless we trust in each other.

 

Comment (4)

 

“This is not about feminism, but the way feminism was taken in by this society. You want to work? Well, you'll work and raise the children and do everything in the house. No one could be expected - woman or man - to work 80, 90 hours a week. It's not human and it's just not bearable.” By, Marilyn French

This sentence best exemplifies the dilemma of America in the twenty first century. Reportedly, women now represent more than fifty percent of the work force, but in many cases they are also the ones raising the kids and managing the household. So, often, the mothers who can afford to do so quit their jobs to raise their children, because they see the impending disaster that arises from two people working insane hours (leaving aside that most men prefer to work than staying home). These same mothers are, unfortunately, faced with the question of what to do once the kids leave home. At the pace at which corporations travel (fast!), it’s unthinkable for a woman to rejoin at the level she was before kids, but it’s also unfair to penalize her because society is set up in a way that doesn’t allow for parents to raise families AND work. So, what is a woman to “do” when the children go to college?

For now, and until our culture understands the need for more balance, we should ask ourselves how we have changed in the years of managing households, organizing other people’s lives and juggling several balls at once, and what that means. The how refers to the level of compassion, wisdom, strength and endurance that we have acquired and the what speaks to where these traits fit the best. Since women have (and fully utilize) their intuition and are by nature versed in affiliation and community with others, it suits us best to help the rest of humanity along, i.e., men and children. Since the ills of society are many, i.e. a culture that is profits driven, a complete disregard for the elderly, a lack of adequate social services, an environment that is being destroyed, why not delve into one of these major issues and apply our natural and learned skills to heal these areas? Whether we have become mothers or not, all of us, middle-age women, are hungry for more fulfilling roles and the feeling that are contributing to the growth of our society in a meaningful way.  Right now there are many not-for-profits organizations addressing these issues, however these much needed changes can also occur as a result of the efforts perpetrated by the huge pool of talent of mothers rejoining the work force once the children leave.

Comment (0)

   Are women equal to men today? If this question were to be asked of any of my friends they would undoubtedly say: Yes! Women (at least in the Western cultures), are finally equal to men in their freedom to choose, to attend the schools they want, to participate in sports, to vote and to pursue many more forms of independent living. And yet, if we look carefully, we can see how our gender is still considered secondary to  that of men.

    Jean Baker Miller, a famous psychiatrist, and Riane Eisler, author of "The Chalice and The Blade, tells us that "in society as presently constituted, only women are geared to be carriers of the basic necessity for human communion, and to in fact, value their affiliations with others more highly than even themselves. In contrast to men, who are generally socialized to pursue their own ends, even at the expense of others, women are socialized to see themselves primarily as responsible for the welfare of others, even at the expense of their own well-being."  These traits is what does us in, so to speak, because even though we will all attest that what we do, i.e. weaving the structure of society's foundations through the creation and the maintaining of strong families, communities and healthy relationships, it is still not regarded as important as what men do, i.e. pursue careers and making money.

    To understand why this is, we must learn of how the ruling and governing of society shifted millennia ago from the point of view of partnership to that of dominator (we must thank the invasions of the Kurgans and Dorian tribes followed by the Greek/Roman empires). Western civilization history as we learn it in school focuses largely on winners and losers, conflicts and peace, but it is always based on one class dominating another, not how the relation between the two genders interact and work with each other. And to borrow again from Eisler, "the way a society structures the most fundamental of human relations profoundly affects all aspects of living and thinking." For instance in Crete, prior to the barbaric ascendence, power was primarily equated with the responsibility of motherhood rather than with the exaction of obedience to a male-dominant elite through force or the fear of force. This is the definition of power where women and traits associated with women are not systematically devalued.

    To change the paragdime and embrace a system-a thinking and decision-making system, that is-based on the two halves working together (Gylanic) as opposed to Androcentric, i.e. "men's centered," a process of remolding and replication has to occur. Just as we forgot that at some point in history peoples, lands and societies were governed peacefully together, we must remember that we have been conditioned to think in a certain way, i.e. dominator vs. subjugator, conquest vs. loss, etc... and that we must strive to re-establish a society based on the relation between the two halves in synchrony with Nature and in the full respect of other species.

PS All the material and social technologies fundamental to civilization were developed before the imposition of a dominator society and the principle of food growing, as well as construction, container and clothing technology were all already known by the Goddess-worshipping peoples of the Neolithic. Pottery was also invented by women and the cultivation of the soil is to this day primarily in the hands of women. (The Chalice and The Blade, pp. 66-69)

Comment (1)

Women and the need to drink

The other day my friend complained that her mom drinks too much. “She is not allowed in this house unless she stops. My kids cannot see this!” she shouted. I felt for her. After all, having grown up myself with a mother who started her day with a shot of grappa in her espresso and ended it with Jack Daniels as a digestive drink, I knew all too well the meaning of it; slurred words, vacuous stare, horrid breath and the demoralizing feeling that “us” around her couldn’t help her.

“Sorry,” I said to my friend. “I understand. But please be careful when you speak to her. She is drinking because she is in pain. If you are too harsh she will drink even more.” I replied. 

More and more women—friends, neighbors, people I know—I realized, especially in the “older” age bracket, begin drinking when the clock says it’s ok to do so, i.e. 5:00 PM.   Why is that?
I think it’s because the older we get the more useless and invisible we feel. The kids are gone, we have had one or multiple careers (depending on how many jobs we have had to begin and then interrupt to take care of the babes and the husbands), our partners are gone all day on their never-fragmented-never-in-question jobs (I am NOT dismissing the hard work of our mates and this is a generalization, of course), thus we find ourselves wondering WHO we have become and HOW we are going to spend the next thirty years in a meaningful (to us and others) way.  It is at this juncture that the drink comes in. The pull to drink (and I mean, drinking every day and more than just one drink each time) comes from the feeling that, unless we are paid and validated in the way our culture does, i.e. to produce something valuable and to earn tangible rewards, then we don’t count. The alcohol numbs the pain of this realization and the fear of moving ahead in uncharted and unknown territory. Which way do we go? Do we believe what we are being told or do we revisit who we have become during the last thirty years and use it to recreate a new-found persona that will keep us fulfilled thereafter? You know the answer. But this proposition is very hard and requires a lot of courage because no one has yet created a historically sound, paved path of how a woman over fifty can regain grounds in a fast-paced, heavily industrialized and Patriarchal society. Will we have to sell out our dreams, once again, to keep up with the rest, or can we find a way to emerge while keeping our integrity and our vision alive?

My mother could not do either. As a heavy drinker she was touted as an unfit mother; as a worker, she was unfit because she left me in the care of others. She had no open doors and no one to help her, thus she drank from 8:00 in the morning until 9:00 at night, when she collapsed in bed in the hope of never waking up. Eventually, the drink killed her and she got her wish.

PS In my next BI-WEEKLY articles I will be exploring what it implies to go deeper within and find new means (and meanings) of moving forward, the significance of living in a Patriarchal society (down to the daily, nitty-gritty examples), the roots of the problem and suggestions for solutions that we can adopt starting immediately. If you are interested in these topics, PLEASE BOOKMARK my site, www.paintedred.info, and come back in two weeks. Thank you for your patronage.

Comment (2)

If you are a middle aged American woman living in the suburbs and you haven’t seen the movie Revolutionary Road, I suggest that you do.

It depicts the story of a married woman trapped in the mind-numbing, ordinary life of a suburban house-wife and full time mother, her struggle to reclaim her identity, and her relationship with a husband who tries to hush her cries while he continues with his undisturbed career. The movie shows us the malaise of a culture that prefers to shut down a woman’s feelings in the self-serving illusion that a pretty home with a yard, a faithful stay-at-home mom with two beautiful children and a hard-producing husband are the answer to a her quest for happiness and fulfillment (ironically, the only person seeing through the lies is a guy who had been hospitalized for an alleged mental illness and who has the courage to tell April’s husband that he is a hypocrite). The movie doesn’t end well, predictably so, but leaves one with the clear picture of how and why so many women cries have gone unheeded, and continue to be so, over the years, in the name of outward appearances and peace for their husbands and families.

Like April, I too for years have questioned how and why I have come to lose my identity, lost in the myriad of household chores as much as in raising my child and in living my life mostly through the successes of my husband’s career. I held jobs here and there, but none of them panned out as smoothly or as visibly successful as the professions I had had prior to marrying and having children. My talents (I speak four languages and have worked in high-tech, highly regarded positions) struggled to find a place in the small talks of a suburban town while performing mind-numbing chores like grocery shopping or taking my child to the park. Why was this happening? I asked myself over and over.


Literature points out that a woman goes through three phases:
•    a first encompassing youth and adolecensce and the assimilation of notions relevant to her culture;
•    a second during which she expresses what she has learned in a professional sense, in her family life and in her community;
•    a third where, particularly in a Western culture, she questions the value of of her actions and longs to revisit her deepest feminine side.
That a woman finds herself puzzled and often in distress during the third phase of her life is a byproduct of her having assimilated and bought into the patriarchal values which have been prominent in the industrialized societies since the birth of the Greek and the Roman cultures. Throughout time, we have lost our ability to recognize how we take care of others before taking care of ourselves, and often fall into the trap of believing that “a job” will save us, forgetting how this job and its paramters were created by men, and lack an intuitive/feminine side which allows for balance and a life beyond work. Thus, a woman ha sto choose: she either raises a family or works. If she does the first, her creative expressions and talents are underutilized and the privatization of the home since the 50’s and 60’s will most likely cause her to become desperately isolated. ; if she chooses the second, she needs to renounce her dreams of having balance in her life.

Maureen Murdock, author of “A Heroine’s Journey,” writes of how a woman feels after having raised kids and done everything asked of her:

As she peels off the well-worn mask she presents…being nice, polite, compliant, agreeable…(she will) find daggers of rage about time sacrificed, confusion about betrayals…sadness for having abandoned herself, and helplessness about taking the next step. (120)

What is a woman to do, one may ask, after all these years?
The answer lies in our ability to communicate with one another and come together in full consciousness of the mechanisms at work around us. Only then can we begin the task of changing those aspects of our culture that don’t accomodate our needs as women, as mothers and as very creative individuals.

Comment (0)

I face many years ahead without the task of raising my child and find that there is no model to accommodate whom I have become and what I have to offer. I don't want to be only a wife, I don't want to rejoin the corporate world which will leave me scarred and without a life outside the office, I don't want to hear a thirty-something tell me how to manage a project. I have done all that and more. So, where do I fit now?

As we look for the next step in terms of a career or purpose, we believe what the world tells us we ought to. We equate ‘career' with finding a job amongst the many a thousand that already exists. In many cases that alone leaves us dissatisfied. A ‘job' per se is, more often than not, not enough. What do I mean by that?

As we grow into our forties and fifties we change. Whether we have kids or not we change in measurable ways. From the days when we lived alone and all we had to worry about was our job and our wellbeing, once we marry or join lives with our partner(s) the essence of who we are is forever modified. Even if it is by virtue of living in a culture that sees women as the providers of emotional support, or whether it is because our partners can't alter the course of "their" direction, such elements push us against the wall of self-reflection.

Who are we now? Now that we have quit the earlier corporate job, have spent countless years tending to someone else's needs, have accepted less-than-what-we-deserve-or-can-do positions in the working world to accommodate our kids' schedule and the necessities of being part of a larger community, who have we become and where do we fit? 

The answer lies deeper than one may think. It is now, more than ever, that we need to pay close attention to what our heart tells us. As Nor Hall says in The Moon and the Virgin, "So the female void cannot be cured by conjunction with the male, but rather by an internal conjunction, an integration of its own parts, by a remembering or a putting back together of the mother-daughter body." Similarly, Maureen Murdock, author of A heroine journey (a MUST read for all) and a therapist, tells us that

"Women...between the age of thirty and fifty (carry) a dissatisfaction (that) is described as a sense of sterility, emptiness, and dismemberment, and even a sense of betrayal...These women have embraced the stereotypical male heroic journey and have attained academic, artistic, or financial success, yet for many the question remains, ‘What is all of this for?'

In Murdoch's estimation this ‘success' has left us exhausted, stressed and wondering how it all came about. She moves on to address the necessity for women to embrace their feminine nature and to heal the "deep wound of the feminine."

If we look at history since the early 1900's, it's clear how we have arrived where we are. As early as half a century ago women didn't live past much past their fifties. Giving birth to sometimes ten, fifteen children, tending to them and to the farm (or, as it was the case in the 20's and 30's, to the factories), took its toll on women. The ‘women problem' disappeared even before it had a chance to be acknowledged (never mind that writers like Virginia Woolf, Friedan, Rich and many others screamed their outrage at the overlooking of women situations; our institutionalized, industrialized, patriarchal society had different priorities). As the world wealth increased in North America and other Western nations especially, women became more educated, lived longer and had less kids. But this change left a huge gap in our gender's journey. Where is the model for the throngs of women who are still fairly young, who have worked in the corporate or non-corporate world to match their male allies and become independent, who have raised their children, who have gained spiritual and emotional understanding and maturity, and now face years ahead? How and where do they (we) fit? The first step, says Murdoch, is "the redefinition and validation of feminine values and an integration of these with the masculine skills learned during the first half of the century."  In other words, listening to our inner-self and nurturing the ‘daughter' we have inside that has been neglected in pursue of worldly and patriarchal dictated goals. The second step, I say, is to reconnect with one another in the firm belief that we are not alone, but rather a link of a much larger chain.

Our society values what we do, not who we are. Those of us who seek success in the world as it is today are bound to create an imbalance in our feminine selves. We know how to do things and achieve goals, but we carry a void inside that leaves us broken and lost. To heal we must first reconnect to our deeper selves, devoid of the world symbols, to listen to the energy within that spurs us to write, paint, sing or else. Let us be, not do. Murdoch says: "A healing...occur...as she begins to nurture her body and soul and reclaim her feelings, intuition, sexuality and creativity."

Once we have embraced all of us without shame and regrets, we must reconnect to one another for support and validation. Only us women can understand what we mean when we say: "Now what? Now that my child is out the door, now that I have cooked thousands of meals and laundered hundreds of loads, now that I have worked endlessly for someone's high profits, now that I KNOW BETTER, where do I go?"

As I spend my days doggedly reclaiming my true nature, I have faith in the journey and trust that the Universe will meet me where I am supposed to be. I hope that you do the same as it is from this place that the answer will come and, with time, a change will also occur in society that will reflect our quest and the integration of our deeper selves.

Please don't be afraid to comment. It is only through knowing that we are not different from one another in our feelings and thoughts that we can help ourselves uncover the next step(s) for our future and purpose. Thank you.

 

 

 

 

Comment (7)

Do we judge others from what we see on the outside? Are we afraid of reaching out to someone unless they make the first attempt? Do we believe that others have it all figured out and we don't?

Chances are that we do.

This past weekend I was in line at Starbucks for my latte. I spotted this petite, blond, fresh-looking woman ahead of me and recognized her from the gym. In my mind, someone who looked like her-manicured hands, shoes-matching bag and a stylish outfit-HAD to be a happy-go-lucky woman with a beautiful house, three kids, a Labrador and a doting husband who brought her flowers every week. Little did I know how mistaken I was.

As we proceeded to pay for our drinks, she turned her head and we began to chat. In no time she told me that she was a single mom with two young kids, a non-supportive ex, and that she was struggling to find work to pay the bills.

My heart skipped a beat. How could I have been so wrong? I asked myself in dismay.

I walked out with a twinge of excitement for the connection made, but also startled by the experience. I was reminded of what Nancy Mairs said, "The outside never provides a good vantage point for life study." I thought of how I had made this heart-to-heart connection and how the gift of meeting her could have never come through had I stayed stuck in my head with my ideas about who she was and kept quiet.

I recently watched the movie "Made in India," an account of how the women laborers of India have come under S.E.W.A (Self employed Women Association), an organization aimed at guaranteeing strong economic returns for the labor provided by the poorest class of women in India. SEWA was founded in 1972 when 89% of the labor class was unorganized and subject to the arbitrary prices set by the buyer.  By 1998, when the movie Made in India was released, 92% of these women had come together under the SEWA umbrella and created policies to help them earn a just amount of money, formed banks to lend loans and earn interest, instituted insurance policies against natural disasters and illnesses, and developed training programs for the newcomers and for their leaders.

I was astounded at the ingeniousness and the strength portrayed by these women and wondered how we could recreate that kind of unity in our white-bread culture in which "things" keep us separate and give us the illusion that we are different from one another. These women had NOTHING in terms of material possessions but they were very happy. They had each other, a sense of belonging, and the ability to achieve something special together.

In our society we tend to judge others by the outer symbols presented to us-a big house, an expensive car, an important job-and forget that behind these things there is the same "humanness" that resides in each and everyone of us.

As we buy into the myth that owning material goods and status further defines us as successful individuals (successful by whose definition as yet to be determined) we become even more separated from one another by virtue of our "objects' possession" and miss connecting at a deeper level to other human beings. Fear, instead of acceptance and love, begin to drive our actions. 

We are brilliant, caring women leading fragmented and isolated lives (compounded by the extended families residing far away). We need to support one another more than ever, so why NOT take a chance and reach our when we have an opportunity? Why not erase from our minds our stereotypical chitchats and trust in our heart that our gesture(s) will be welcome and may even prevent someone from losing hope?

Not long ago I heard of a wealthy woman who committed suicide because, as the story goes, she felt she no longer had a role in her life. With three grown up children and a busy husband, she felt she was not useful anymore, thus she killed herself. For the longest time I kept thinking that, if this woman had made a connection with other women in the same predicament-as many of us find ourselves to be as our children grow up and leave-that perhaps this tragedy could have been averted.

I host this blog posting to provide a forum where women can come together and share their stories. Please feel free to comment on this topic. Your reply is very much appreciated and it will be kept confidential.

To subscribe to this blog feed click here

Comment (2)

 

Does full-time motherhood allow for fulfillment and a sense of accomplishment in today’s culture? Does working full time give parents a sense of balance in raising their children and handling the demands of a career? The answer is NO to both.

Betty Friedan, author of “The Feminine Mystique” wrote that, after nearly two decades of women abandoning their careers to have kids and stay home, these women were more depressed, isolated and frustrated than ever, even if they have first gone to college. “Like a two-headed schizophrenic…once she wrote a paper on Graveyard poets; now she writes notes to the milkman…”  The Feminine Mystique was written nearly fifty years ago but could have been written today. While more women ARE going to college and finishing their education, many accept the role of mother and wife, thereby forgoing the chance to shape and express their own identities in society.

I am one of ‘them.’ Raised mostly by a foster family and people other than my own parents, I quit my highly stressful job when I had my daughter. After countless hours of pushing her on the swing and rushing to the park in between naps, I witnessed the annihilation of my mental abilities. The biggest challenge became whether to cook chicken scaloppini or pasta for dinner. For years I felt as if I were suspended on a thread that depended on the passing of time; one day melded into another and my days were interminable.  When I tried to return to work it proved disastrous, caught as I was between the guilt and the anxiety of leaving my child behind and the demands of my job. The result was that I couldn’t perform either one to my satisfaction and eventually quit trying to do both.

Friedan asserts that the unhappiness of women (and at times men) while raising a child full time is the result of the fragmented, unrecognized, and undervalued existence that women conduct. I can’t agree with her more.  While it is very rewarding to be with our children, it can also wipe our sense of identity and direction.

Friedan continues her study by stating that, “with the career woman out of the way, the housewife with interests in the community becomes the devil to be exorcised…there is the discontent suburban wife who raises hell at the PTA; morbidly depressed, she …envies her husband…” I have seen with my own eyes the multitude of talented women vying for a spot in the various groups where we could express our skills and abilities. The question is: is the lack of pursuits in a woman’s life a consequence of the denial suffered by society or is motherhood a determining factor in the obliteration of other areas of interest?

Of course, one has to take into account the social class of the individual(s) in question. As a white, middle to upper class woman who has had the choice—albeit not always—to pick between homemaking and full time work, I suffered the conflict of wanting to be home with my child and yet longing to express my creativity in full. Over the years I quickly morphed into what Dr. Polly Eisendrath-Young defines as the ‘hothouse mother’ (from Women and Desire, an account of women desires and pathologies in the context of a patriarchal culture) which states that: “when a mother is “perceived simply as a resource for others’ needs rather than as a person in her own right, she becomes the Hothouse Mother”. In her estimation, the ‘hothouse’ concept is simply the result of society’s inability to respond to the needs of the parent of a young child, especially mothers. In their desire to become ‘ideal mothers’ women cut themselves from society and the ability to function amongst adults in the workplace. They become depressed, isolated and neurotic, which in turn plays against the image of what they are trying to achieve.

Friedan suggests that the solution for a society who doesn’t want to deal with women’s dissatisfaction is ‘the disappearance of the heroine altogether’ (the mythical figure from the past), which provides the answer to one of today’s dilemma also. Many women are talked into compromising their goals in the name of raising families and adjusting to the community. When a woman is seen only in terms of her sexual role, says Friedan, the barriers to the realization of her full potential—career, education and political interests—are no longer a problem. What remains is ‘the problem that has no name’ a vague wish for something more to which magazines reply by suggesting the adoption of a different outfit.

The central question remains: why is our society not capable of providing full time parents with a sense of their worth as they educate and form the individuals of tomorrow? Could it be that our capitalistic culture acknowledges and only rewards those who produce in a materialistic sense?

This is something we must strive to change. Unless we understand that caring for one another and contributing to each other’s wellbeing and education is the only guarantee for a prosperous future, we will suffer losses and produce less-than-whole members of society.

The topics around motherhood in industrialized societies, the fragmentation phenomenon and the consequences it carries, the isolation aspect—endemic of an industrialized culture—and the issue of re-entering the work force once the kids leave home are many and I will be addressing them in the blogs to come.

Thank you for your interest and your support,

Lauretta

 

To subscribe to this blog feed click here

 

 

 

 

Comment (2)