No Female Warriors Needed
Posted by: lauretta in teenagers, myblog, identity, Friendship, connection on
Dec 5, 2009
Last night my sixteen-year-old daughter came home sobbing. "I...I..." she kept trying to say something but the words wouldn't come out. Eventually, she told me that her feelings had gotten hurt during her Varsity team soccer tryouts.
"Did you perform badly?" I inquired.
"No," she said; "it's just that some of my friends were mean to me," and explained how a couple of the older girls-with whom she shares sleepovers and clothes-pretended not to know anyone and acted as if they owned the field.
"They kept yelling and bossing a few of us around," she continued, "it was horrible."
"What did the coach do?" I asked.
"Nothing! He sat in a corner and watched," she replied.
"You know," I said, "this is why sometimes the world goes crazy. We think we are better than others, and try to destroy the weaker individuals or species, but all we are doing is hurting ourselves."
"How?" she asked.
"By refusing to recognize that competition, especially amongst women, diminishes our strength and annihilates our compassion, our empathy and our innate gift of caring for ourselves and others. What's good about that?" I replied.
"I guess you are right," she said and went to bed.
It stands to reason that these girls would feel threatened and react accordingly. After all, they know the ropes-having been on the team for more than a year-and fear losing their place. But, as healthy as at times can be , competition taken too far is detrimental and dangerous.
Some of the most famous feminist writers, historians, psychologists and anthropologists like Audrey Lorde, Jane Baker Miller, Rianne Eisler, Rosemary Radford Ruther and Jane Belenky, believe that women should never compete. Born with the natural gifts of nurturing and empathizing with others' suffering, women form the foundations of our society-creating communities, developing relationships, tending to the sick, the elderly, babies and the handicapped. Cultural values of "survival of the fittest," "competing until you die," and "eat what you kill," minimize women's natural gifts. Soon we are warriors ready to kill anything that stand in our way, including friends who have a chance of getting the coveted spot on the team. We fail to see that this behavior also blinds us when we need to save endangered species and appreciate the others' gifts that may not be as apparent as beauty, physical strength or athletic aptitude. These beliefs are what keep us from growing more compassionate, wiser and generous. It is these beliefs that may ultimately destroy our planet as we know it.
Only teens, these girls have already replaced their feminine traits with the ruthless values of a society based on aggression and dominance, no doubt inspired by the adults around them. It breaks my heart, but it also makes me realize how much work there is to do.
I want my girl to make the team; it will help her self-esteem and improve her athletic skills. But, if to make it she has to kill off her inherent, inner beauty, then I'd rather that she didn't. I hope that she sees the difference and can look at her friends with compassion and understanding and, more importantly, the firm resolve of never to be like them.
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I love the point you bring up, that when we set our goals as low as scoring points, then compassion becomes irrelevant. But it doesn't have to be that way. It is the focus of the competition that brings on this unfortunate circumstance. This is why it is so important to teach our kids that winning is really not the point. How you play the game makes all the difference in the world.
I've never really thought this through before. I remember having times in my life when I knew it was more moral to play fair, but if I could win by cheating and wouldn't get caught, then why not? This is why not. I would be losing more than I would gain.
Thanks for bringing this up.