I face many years ahead without the task of raising my child and find that there is no model to accommodate whom I have become and what I have to offer. I don't want to be only a wife, I don't want to rejoin the corporate world which will leave me scarred and without a life outside the office, I don't want to hear a thirty-something tell me how to manage a project. I have done all that and more. So, where do I fit now?

As we look for the next step in terms of a career or purpose, we believe what the world tells us we ought to. We equate ‘career' with finding a job amongst the many a thousand that already exists. In many cases that alone leaves us dissatisfied. A ‘job' per se is, more often than not, not enough. What do I mean by that?

As we grow into our forties and fifties we change. Whether we have kids or not we change in measurable ways. From the days when we lived alone and all we had to worry about was our job and our wellbeing, once we marry or join lives with our partner(s) the essence of who we are is forever modified. Even if it is by virtue of living in a culture that sees women as the providers of emotional support, or whether it is because our partners can't alter the course of "their" direction, such elements push us against the wall of self-reflection.

Who are we now? Now that we have quit the earlier corporate job, have spent countless years tending to someone else's needs, have accepted less-than-what-we-deserve-or-can-do positions in the working world to accommodate our kids' schedule and the necessities of being part of a larger community, who have we become and where do we fit? 

The answer lies deeper than one may think. It is now, more than ever, that we need to pay close attention to what our heart tells us. As Nor Hall says in The Moon and the Virgin, "So the female void cannot be cured by conjunction with the male, but rather by an internal conjunction, an integration of its own parts, by a remembering or a putting back together of the mother-daughter body." Similarly, Maureen Murdock, author of A heroine journey (a MUST read for all) and a therapist, tells us that

"Women...between the age of thirty and fifty (carry) a dissatisfaction (that) is described as a sense of sterility, emptiness, and dismemberment, and even a sense of betrayal...These women have embraced the stereotypical male heroic journey and have attained academic, artistic, or financial success, yet for many the question remains, ‘What is all of this for?'

In Murdoch's estimation this ‘success' has left us exhausted, stressed and wondering how it all came about. She moves on to address the necessity for women to embrace their feminine nature and to heal the "deep wound of the feminine."

If we look at history since the early 1900's, it's clear how we have arrived where we are. As early as half a century ago women didn't live past much past their fifties. Giving birth to sometimes ten, fifteen children, tending to them and to the farm (or, as it was the case in the 20's and 30's, to the factories), took its toll on women. The ‘women problem' disappeared even before it had a chance to be acknowledged (never mind that writers like Virginia Woolf, Friedan, Rich and many others screamed their outrage at the overlooking of women situations; our institutionalized, industrialized, patriarchal society had different priorities). As the world wealth increased in North America and other Western nations especially, women became more educated, lived longer and had less kids. But this change left a huge gap in our gender's journey. Where is the model for the throngs of women who are still fairly young, who have worked in the corporate or non-corporate world to match their male allies and become independent, who have raised their children, who have gained spiritual and emotional understanding and maturity, and now face years ahead? How and where do they (we) fit? The first step, says Murdoch, is "the redefinition and validation of feminine values and an integration of these with the masculine skills learned during the first half of the century."  In other words, listening to our inner-self and nurturing the ‘daughter' we have inside that has been neglected in pursue of worldly and patriarchal dictated goals. The second step, I say, is to reconnect with one another in the firm belief that we are not alone, but rather a link of a much larger chain.

Our society values what we do, not who we are. Those of us who seek success in the world as it is today are bound to create an imbalance in our feminine selves. We know how to do things and achieve goals, but we carry a void inside that leaves us broken and lost. To heal we must first reconnect to our deeper selves, devoid of the world symbols, to listen to the energy within that spurs us to write, paint, sing or else. Let us be, not do. Murdoch says: "A healing...occur...as she begins to nurture her body and soul and reclaim her feelings, intuition, sexuality and creativity."

Once we have embraced all of us without shame and regrets, we must reconnect to one another for support and validation. Only us women can understand what we mean when we say: "Now what? Now that my child is out the door, now that I have cooked thousands of meals and laundered hundreds of loads, now that I have worked endlessly for someone's high profits, now that I KNOW BETTER, where do I go?"

As I spend my days doggedly reclaiming my true nature, I have faith in the journey and trust that the Universe will meet me where I am supposed to be. I hope that you do the same as it is from this place that the answer will come and, with time, a change will also occur in society that will reflect our quest and the integration of our deeper selves.

Please don't be afraid to comment. It is only through knowing that we are not different from one another in our feelings and thoughts that we can help ourselves uncover the next step(s) for our future and purpose. Thank you.

 

 

 

 

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My attention was caught by an article that appeared on the current issue of MS magazine; in it, the author, Carmen D. Siering, describes Bella, the protagonist of the much acclaimed movie Twilight, as “a blank slate, with few thoughts or actions that don’t center on Edward.” She continues by saying that, where Bella is “infantilized,” Edward is “condescending” and the only one allowed to “initiate intimacy.”

I pondered. Wait a minute!  Why did I like the movie if such were the premises? Is it possible that I, too, am a victim of our patriarchal society’s canons subscribing to the widespread notion that women can’t be happy unless they have a man who worships and loves them? The mere fact that the book sold 22 million copies and many more saw the movie seems to corroborate these assertions.

For my part, I watched the movie with detached interest at first, a glimpse of excitement in the middle and a longing for “it” to continue by the end. For two days I fantasized about it and even convinced my daughter to buy the movie once it came out in DVD. And yet, throughout it all, I sensed a weakening of the person I have become, as if, through the two hours of watching it, I had regressed into the young woman I was, when being liked and nurtured by a man was intrinsic to achieve happiness and fulfillment.

How did we so easily buy into a story that is so clearly devoid of redeeming values? What happened to the teachings of the strong women that were our grandmothers and the ones who fought for our ability to stand up and claim our strength?

According to Adrienne Rich, author of “Of Woman Born,” patriarchy, which literally means “the power of the fathers,” became prevalent in our culture after the advent of industrialization in the early 1900’s. Women, from working their farms, sewing textiles and tending to the animals, joined the men in the factories and showed resilience to hard work and pain in a far greater measure than their counterparts (and took care of the households as well afterward). Men, threatened by such powerful presence, made sure that the women retreated into the house to become full time mothers and homemakers, (which also coincided with the need for comfort and centeredness that emerged after the Vietnam War).

It was during this time (50’s and 60’s) that Disney released Cinderella and later Sleeping Beauty, movies that sent a clear and loud message to young women all over the world, that of needing a man (preferably one riding a white horse) to rescue them. I grew up during those years.

According to Rich, it is Patriarchy that is responsible for the woman’s loss of her individualization and the birth of “the Mother, the dangerous archetype, source of angelic love and forgiveness in a world increasingly ruthless and impersonal.”(29)***

Patriarchy is a subtle and a hard to discern phenomenon. In the words of Rich, “It does not…imply that no woman has power…but that the power of the fathers…permeates everything, even the language in which we try to describe it…(she) has access only to so much of privilege and influence as the patriarchy is willing to accede to her…” (33-34).”

Patriarchy is far from dead. The fact that so many people fell in love with Edward (I am one of them, remember?) and what he represents, means that we have not yet acknowledged, reclaimed, and put into practice our ability to function without the dream and the illusion of a man sweeping us off our feet with his white horse or, better yet, his blood-dripping teeth.
 
***See more on Motherhood in my blog dated 4/2 or on my upcoming ones
 

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Nancy Mairs, author of "Voice Lessons" wrote: "How do I invent an identity for myself in a society which prefers to behave as though I do not exist?"

I couldn't agree more. This morning, while walking my dog with my friend, it came out that she feels worthless because she is just a homemaker.

"Why did you quit your job?" I asked her.

"Because I wanted to raise my own kids and not miss anything," she replied.

"What else do you do in raising them?" I added.

"I home school them, cook, drive them everywhere, shop, pay the bills and you know the drill," she confirmed.

I wasn't surprised. On one hand, she holds the typical five jobs that every American mom does (chauffeuring, shopping, managing, organizing, accounting), and on the other she feels awful about herself. In one of the stories that Nancy Mairs recounts, a woman is seen as someone who "has a deadly weariness...she knows herself as a source; if she is not this, then she is nothing. So she gives. She gives. But with this weariness held in check and concealed...she would never willingly suffer any of it again."

Does it sound familiar? Men, in a patriarchal/traditional culture, are the procreators, the fathers. Women carry the babies, changes their lives accordingly to their needs, sacrifice their careers and give endlessly.

To find one's voice in a society that doesn't value homemaking and raising children is very difficult. It is challenging to find one's identity but it's even harder to express it in a way that will make you proud the next time someone asks: "And what do YOU do for a living?"

In our binary-based culture, i.e. man/woman, good/bad, body/spirit, etc... it is all the more arduous to challenge the status quo, as the tools provided, i.e. language, historical data, etc... were created and emerge straight from men's creation (how many women worth noting do we remember from the Renaissance period or beyond? In the words of Virginia Woolf: "a woman can't possibly have thirteen children and make art." So women face a multi-facet task: that of having to carve their new identity after/and/or during raising their children, to adapt their newfound knowledge to a materialistic society, and to shift the paradigm from that of being the object of scrutiny to become the subject/author of their lives. No small feat, considering that most of our energies have been sapped by the five jobs we have held while raising our kids.

The question is: what do we do about it? The first thing should be that we learn to listen well and at length to one another; that alone will provide much needed support (similar to what one receives in AA). Secondly we need to challenge the system as it is presented to us. When at a party we are asked: "and what do you do for a living?" I suggest answering, while holding our heads high and proud: "I manage money, I organize closets, I cook for people, and I drive many important individuals around!" How does that sound for a start?

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Do we judge others from what we see on the outside? Are we afraid of reaching out to someone unless they make the first attempt? Do we believe that others have it all figured out and we don't?

Chances are that we do.

This past weekend I was in line at Starbucks for my latte. I spotted this petite, blond, fresh-looking woman ahead of me and recognized her from the gym. In my mind, someone who looked like her-manicured hands, shoes-matching bag and a stylish outfit-HAD to be a happy-go-lucky woman with a beautiful house, three kids, a Labrador and a doting husband who brought her flowers every week. Little did I know how mistaken I was.

As we proceeded to pay for our drinks, she turned her head and we began to chat. In no time she told me that she was a single mom with two young kids, a non-supportive ex, and that she was struggling to find work to pay the bills.

My heart skipped a beat. How could I have been so wrong? I asked myself in dismay.

I walked out with a twinge of excitement for the connection made, but also startled by the experience. I was reminded of what Nancy Mairs said, "The outside never provides a good vantage point for life study." I thought of how I had made this heart-to-heart connection and how the gift of meeting her could have never come through had I stayed stuck in my head with my ideas about who she was and kept quiet.

I recently watched the movie "Made in India," an account of how the women laborers of India have come under S.E.W.A (Self employed Women Association), an organization aimed at guaranteeing strong economic returns for the labor provided by the poorest class of women in India. SEWA was founded in 1972 when 89% of the labor class was unorganized and subject to the arbitrary prices set by the buyer.  By 1998, when the movie Made in India was released, 92% of these women had come together under the SEWA umbrella and created policies to help them earn a just amount of money, formed banks to lend loans and earn interest, instituted insurance policies against natural disasters and illnesses, and developed training programs for the newcomers and for their leaders.

I was astounded at the ingeniousness and the strength portrayed by these women and wondered how we could recreate that kind of unity in our white-bread culture in which "things" keep us separate and give us the illusion that we are different from one another. These women had NOTHING in terms of material possessions but they were very happy. They had each other, a sense of belonging, and the ability to achieve something special together.

In our society we tend to judge others by the outer symbols presented to us-a big house, an expensive car, an important job-and forget that behind these things there is the same "humanness" that resides in each and everyone of us.

As we buy into the myth that owning material goods and status further defines us as successful individuals (successful by whose definition as yet to be determined) we become even more separated from one another by virtue of our "objects' possession" and miss connecting at a deeper level to other human beings. Fear, instead of acceptance and love, begin to drive our actions. 

We are brilliant, caring women leading fragmented and isolated lives (compounded by the extended families residing far away). We need to support one another more than ever, so why NOT take a chance and reach our when we have an opportunity? Why not erase from our minds our stereotypical chitchats and trust in our heart that our gesture(s) will be welcome and may even prevent someone from losing hope?

Not long ago I heard of a wealthy woman who committed suicide because, as the story goes, she felt she no longer had a role in her life. With three grown up children and a busy husband, she felt she was not useful anymore, thus she killed herself. For the longest time I kept thinking that, if this woman had made a connection with other women in the same predicament-as many of us find ourselves to be as our children grow up and leave-that perhaps this tragedy could have been averted.

I host this blog posting to provide a forum where women can come together and share their stories. Please feel free to comment on this topic. Your reply is very much appreciated and it will be kept confidential.

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